Modern Socializing

new blog

2008-06-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

i am now concentrating treatment through self-exposure therapy (i.e. talking to strangers in bars).

i am chronicling my attempts at a new blog here: coldapproach.blogspot.com

doubtful i will continue to update this blog

success

2008-06-11T21:26:00.001-07:00

Today I successfully walked into a bar I had never been in before and had a drink.

It is something I had attempted multiple times before but always pussied out on the sidewalk.

I did it today because the whole day I knew, as per the 'tactic' of last post, that "there will be ten minutes today of suckiness." That is, I would make myself go in the bar for ten minutes, and that no matter how bad it sucked (which was not very) it would only be for ten minutes. The tactic worked and I got myself to do it.

So anyway I sat at the bar and drank half a beer and left. There was a large lady sitting next to me and we exchanged 'how are yous' (she initiated). I got bored and left.

However, this gives me a much needed platform for initiation of conversation with strangers.

[Also, for those who don't go in bars because they are unsure of the 'protocol', here it is: at some bars there is an id-checker inside or outside of the door. If there is such a person he will want to check you are 18/21+ by your driver's license and then may stamp your hand or put a bracelet around your wrist or nothing. At the bar you wait to make eye contract with the bar tender. He will come over and you tell him what you want. If you are just doing this for social practice get say a bud light. Cheap and you dont event have to drink it. Pay him cash. Tip him a buck. Boom you are free to sit around like a lump on a log.]

Cold approach atmp 1

2008-06-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so there is this bar that seems sociable. My idea is I go into the bar, order a drink, sit at the bar, and maybe strike up a conversation with a person next to me "nice outside huh."

The problem is I'm scared shitless of walking into the bar. I walk past it but just can't take the plunge.

I fully realize nothing will happen. Hardly anybody will notice me walk in etc.

Biking home form my latest failed attempt I came up with a tactic: before going to the bar, check time on watch. Say it's 9:12. Realize at 9:22 I will be walking out of the bar. It will all be over at 9:22 and I can go home. 9:12 to 9:22. I don't know, I feel I will probably do it tomorrow. At least the walking in and ordering a drink part (which btw is going to get a little pricey, plus I dont even really like alcohol). Hopefully once I've acclimated to the environment I can work on talking to strangers.

Cold approach and hiding

2008-06-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

Two points.

1. First, just the general idea of the hide response. The hide response I think is the underlying cause of the panic/freeze response that I've discussed before. The hide response is ubiquitous across nature arising largely in the context of prey hiding/avoiding predators. However I think it also manifests itself in the social domain. The SA person believes on a preconscious level that exposing himself (his natural thoughts, beliefs, questions, observations, desires, etc) will cause him to lose face or respect or approval etc. As such, the overwhelming urge in social situations is to hide. To hide by not speaking, to hide by physically removing oneself from the situation, to hide by not going to the situation, to hide by inventing 'fake personalities' when in conversation, to hide by focusing all attention on one's self-projection and how to optimize it (not on e.g. the other person). Conversation with me is fairly short and sparse, because it is entirely for me a game of not saying embarassing things. Conversation is like walking in a minefield for me that I am about to immediately say something disgraceful that will make my interlocutor avoid me in the future.

2. Meditation. This journal in its search for relief has drifted from solitary mental activities such as questioning and conversation simulation (see sidebar) to supplements for anxiety attenuation. I don't actively practice any of them except for taking omega-3s largely for acne. Having said that, my therapist has repeatedly recommended and I have been pseudo regularly meditating for the past month or so. Again, I will endorse it. Not just for SA, but for being calm and content in general. There are, however, some SA-benefits. By meditation I mean sitting quietly and comfortably (I just sit in my computer chair), closing one's eyes, and focusing on the current object of one's attention. Random and not so random objects will bounce in and out of attention, sometimes at a high rate, sometimes at a slow rate. A memory of the day will pop in, a part you will start to analyze it, a car will start outside, your foot will be uncomfortable, etc. The idea then is simply to cultivate an observance of all of these things. Sometimes you will get so caught up in the object of your attention you will forget you are meditating, and then you will realize this and feel ashamed. Don't quit meditating, just observe the events as they transpire! Meditating will not cure SA but it does cultivate I think an important mindset.

3. Ok, 3 things. The Cold Approach. Being a person low on friends (or really a desire to have a lot of consistent friends) the notion of the cold approach has always fascinated me. Imagine anytime you wanted, you could just walk outside to your local bar/coffee shoppe/book store/park and start a conversation with a stranger and make a new friend. Imagine how many people you would come to know and how much more experienced about the world you would be. There is a sexual aspect to this as largely I envision myself meeting women, not necessarily for sexual purposes but with that possibility open I guess. But a lot of that I suppose has to do with women are just more open to the type of (largely effeminate) conversation I would bring whereas most guys, at least in my mind, enjoy more grunting about sports and would assume I am gay to try to start a conversation with them. So yes it is more sexual, but it's mainly about meeting people and learning about people, and developing self-esteem and social skills in the process. So since it's summer and I literally do have no friends here and also no job (thanks SA) I think I am going to set myself the goal of one cold approach a day. I have a coffee shop and a small friendly bar within walking distance at my disposal. The coffee shop also has a bar-like space as opposed to individual tables where cold-approaching is impossible. So yes I have set myself the goal of one cold approach a day. What this entails is waiting for somebody to sit within earshot of me at the bar, saying "warm outside today huh", and if at all an open response asking them two conversational questions (e.g. if they say "It's so hot!" responding "You don't like the heat?" or something like that). That's my goal and I guess this journal will serve as a cold approach journal to document my hopeful progress. Also hopefully cold approaching in real life works different than online dating sites since out of like a month on one of those and 20 different girls messaged I received precisely 0 dates out of it :/

Anyway last night I went out and was too chicken to enter the bar. So we have quite a hill to climb friends.

A little relief

2008-03-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

This blog started out emphasizing 'social skills' training or sort of ways to train your attention to avoid interaction-crippling social anxiety. I'm now fairly confident that natural-pharmacological intervention is the better method. By that I mean supplementation. It is hard to describe or prove the benefit and effect of supplementation, but I am fairly confident that I am much more stable, much less depressed, and experience much less social anguish today than I did six months ago.

My general logic in supplementation is basically the industrialization of food production in the past 50-70 years has altered the chemical composition of the human diet. Fertilization depletes soil of minerals, packaging and preservation breaks down sensitive yet vital nutrients, and people just don't eat the same foods as before. Blah blah.

The other proposition required for this to seem reasonable is an understanding of the untested and unreasonable assumption of the independence of the mind and psychology from the body. Although eating certain naturally occuring foods/plants has undeniable and immediate psychological effects (e.g. marijuana, salvia divornum, etc.) under the current medical understanding it is PREPOSTEROUS that daily diets could otherwise effect psychological parameters such as latent anxiety levels, intensity of panic responses, self-esteem, etc. etc. Although there is a blood-brain barrier, the brain still needs and has its composition affected by what it finds in the blood.

Anyway, the sole point of this post is the hope that somebody reads it, goes to the store and buys a $15.95 bottle of liquid magnesium, and finds a social fluidity that has been denied them thus far, to the point of social isolation.

My own personal tale with supplements is this, but it is hard to tell because I have no way of differentiating placebo effects, nor of putting words to minor and ineffable changes in my phenomenology and socializing.

I started out with fish oils (omega-3 acids) after reading various papers about correlations between fish in the diet and depression levels in human populations. Also various studies in rats demonstrated decreased brain plasticity after trauma in omega-3 deprived rats. And just that it used to be historically a staple of the human diet. I still take this supplement and I think it eases anguish/pain of social isolation. It takes you a little bit out of the hole and this translates into more happiness which is expressed in social behaviour; more spontaneous smiling and less hesitant eye contact.

I then tried inositol powder (in addition to the fish oil) again based on this time much more sparse scientific literature albeit it was there, especially in relation to panic disorder which probably has some relation to SAD. I no longer supplement with inositol as it is not a natural part of human diet intake (at least not in the large dosages required for effect) but again I can't say I didn't get some social anxiety reduction.

Next up was niacinamide. Again, sparse yet promising scientific literature in relation to anxiety disorders. (Google is your friend here). Again I no longer take it because not a natural part of the diet in large dosages, but the anxiolytic effect was more marked than inositol.

Then I started taking a whole-food multivitamin supplement to get the B-vitamin complex which is related to anxiety and really anything else that might affect anxiety. I still take this for general health and energy levels, and whatever might be involved in SA.

Saving the best for last (sorry, I'm just a suspense writer I guess) would be a liquid Magnesium and Calcium supplement I have been taking for approximately two weeks now. I don't have a problem taking this as much as the niacinamide as both of these minerals are natural parts of the human diet and have been depleted in the human diet in recent times. Furthermore Magnesium is chemically similar to Lithium which has known and potent anxiolytic effects. I do recommend you try out magnesium. Avoid magnesium oxide as it is not digested but, most other salts are good. I take a 500mg/250mg Mg/Ca liquid supplement once in the morning, and then a 50mg Mg supplement in the afternoon. I believe the effects of this, although subtle, have been much more potent than any supplement thus far I have tried. My social fluidity and "aggression" in social situations have been slowly improving. I also find I am much more focused on my work and in accomplishing tasks. Plus, unlike niacinamide and inositol, 'high' doses of Mg (U.S. rda is 500mg) are a natural part of human dietary intake. Regarding the calcium, I don't know if it's important or not but most liquid Mg supplements come with Ca so whatever.

So anyway, thats my current take on SA. To recap, I take: 1tbsp distilled fish oil, 1 whole-food multivitamin, and 500/250 Mg/Ca liquid supplement and a 50mg Mg supplement later in the day.

I do wish SA could be talked out of and reasoned around, but it is an involuntary panic response activated by unconscious interpretative processing largely out of our conscious control. The panic response takes over your entire body and mind, and it shuts you down. You hide, you don't form relationships with fellow humans, and you sink into social isolation and anguish/depression. The panic response is sculpted by the chemical environment of the brain.

Questioning saves the day

2007-12-29T16:27:00.000-08:00

My omega-3 supp makes me happier. Being spontaneously happy helps SA. It allows you to genuinely smile and meet eyes with people. It keeps your mind off negativity.

A b-vitamin supp (part of a whole foods multivita supp) gets my dopamine and serotonin levels up. It does dull SA.

For clutch situations I take a Niacinamide 500mg which immediately acts to upregulate GABA (inhibition; in the sense of inhibition of anxiety).

But that still doesn't stop habitual thought patterns. Anxiety thought patterns.

Yesterday I was with family and an outgoing (and non-blood) relative was playing '20 questions' with all the younger relatives she hadn't seen in a while. We were sitting in a circle and I knew she was going to get to me. I started having anxious thoughts and feelings. Uncomfortableness, wanting to be cool and funny enough, hoping I do not expose anything that would cause the circle to shun and think less of me.

But then I remembered questioning.

What are some questions I would ask her? Why is she asking the questions she is asking? THe people who are answering, can they elaborate on their answers?

It just completely turned my thought cycle around and I started being talkative again.

Supplementation and (some, preferably natural) pharmacological intervention is great. But man, questioning saved the day there.

I found this site extremely interesting

2007-11-26T07:26:00.001-08:00

User reviews for effectiveness of various drugs/supplements to treat SA:

Linky

I especially like the lawyer who noted his salary increased due to taking the drug. I can relate to that, i.e., earning a low salary simply because I have no confidence in my ability to 'deal' because I know high pressure social situations cause me to freeze and lose rational thought.

Update

2007-11-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

Haven't updated in a while.

My mode of treatment has become I think entirely drug/supplement oriented.

The entire premise for this blog was sort of confusing. It's not that I think SA people lack social skills or have poor social skills (although there can be truth to this).

I believed, however, there were brain-exercises you could partake in that would lessen your propensity to panic and freeze in social situations. Intellectual consideration will not help me learn to play Chopin on the piano, but practice will. Similarly, it seems there might be exercises that would train oneself to not avoid social situations.

I think most people who read this blog understood that though.

However, I am having greater success through supplementation. Specifically, omega-3 at two teaspoons (3.4 grams) per day.

I spontaneously make eye contact and smile upon greeting strangers.

I want to hang out in between class and shoot the shit. I WANT to and I do not avoid it.

I am more talkative with my family.

I am less angry, and less prone to anger. I am more mellow.

There is still anxiety. I am still afraid to call male friends to hang out at night. I still yearn for a romantic relationship and do not have one. I cannot land a job.

However, this omega-3 supplementation is a Good Thing.

Research it yourself: google "social anxiety" and "omega 3." Research it on pubmed.

If you do decide to supplement make sure:
1) Your supplement comes in a glass (not plastic) bottle.
2) Your supplement has the omega-3's in their natural triglyceride form
3) Your supplement has been molecularly distilled and independently tested to contain no mercury, lead, or PCB's
4) You take enough per day (3-4 grams).
5) You keep it refrigerated
6) You give it 4-6 weeks to see effects.

I don't want to sound like a shill for the omega-3 industry but yeah. I get mine at a local vitamin store for about $20 for a month's supply.

I've also recently started supplementing with a whole-foods probiotic vitamin tablet.

And I am looking into nootropics.

I will never use prescription drugs because I will never be able to trust the privately owned for-profit pharmaceutical industry.

I also continue to talk into voice recorder for about 30min a day, but no longer about SA-related stuff.

Anyway, probably won't update this for a while. If anybody would ever like to talk to me, leave a comment and I will get the email notification. If you want to speak privately, comment with your email and I will contact you. I will happily delete your comment (or you can) if you don't want your email in the comments.

This study does not surprise me!

2007-11-01T09:10:00.001-07:00

http://www.ns.umich.edu/htdocs/releases/story.php?id=6137

Also, going to sole weekly social function I go to tonight. WILL POSSIBLY REPORT BACK HAHA

Oh and if youre to fucking lazy to click the link its about how 10 min of social activity improves your brain function. Sort of the whole point of this journal but in reverse. Rock and roll.

Improvements

2007-10-30T21:42:00.001-07:00

Today for school I had to do a ten minute oral argument solo in front of about 7 people.

It's one thing to freeze in casual conversation. The person will walk away and find somebody unfrozen to talk to.

When you are on your own in front of people, the stakes are much higher. When you freeze in that situation, you are left to just say "unhhhhh" and panic even more.

However, I managed pretty well without even any notes to refer to. I did lose my train of thought in the middle of a few sentences (panic), but I managed to recover.

Well, I shouldn't say "I" did as if I had anything to do with it.

I've simply been doing what my sidebar says: taking fish oil, exercising, and doing anecdote generation for about 15minutes a day. I think it's slowly retooling my brain to not panic as intensely.

I also managed to maintain eye contact with the three 'judges' I was supposed to be speaking to. Last year when I did this I just stared off into space when speaking (since eye contact completely shut me down), and one of the judges commented that I need to make more eye contact because it makes me look unconfident. No shit. This year I didn't get that.

I am researching neurofeedback. The idea is simple: interaction shutdown is a response to perceived social threat caused by a panic, or specifically I think activation of the amygdala. This activation may have a predictive signature in an eeg (brain wave readout). If so, we can learn to recognize this signature and also perhaps learn to prevent it; keeping us spontaneous and engaged in conversation with lots of eye contact and body language and not retreating into our own heads.

I think a GREAT experiment would be to hook up EEGs to SA folk and nonSA folk and expose them to social situations. Somehow, somewhere, I can pretty much guarantee the eeg readouts from the groups would be easily distinguishable.

Anyway, most of my schoolwork is behind me leaving me no more excuses to not go out and try to meet women...

Excitement

2007-10-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

Sitting in line at a store today I came up with a possible new direction for overcoming SA research: neuro/bio feedback. Now after googling this I of course am not the first to come up with this idea, but this is good because it means there is stuff to explore. That's the one good thing about SA: you always have time to explore new stuff. Unless of course you're in law school :(

Anyway the general idea would be this: SA causes one to detach from social situations and hide (internally, if not externally as well). This detachment is (or is caused by) a type of panic, the freeze-response as I have spoken of before.

Biofeedback would warn us when we are about to panic-freeze, and we could train to anticipate it and avoid whatever cognitive processes are causing the panic-freeze. Allowing us to be spontaneous and candid and not hidden.

It's research time.

To be honest I think the technology is going to be an insurmountable hurdle. But that's why there is research. Ho!

Failure

2007-10-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Went out to law school costume party thing. A bunch of beefy guys and hot chicks dancing to loud music. I am skinny and utterly terrified of 'dancing'. Hated it and left.

I have this weird thing I've had since high school where I will catch a girl looking at me (probably because I have a very large nose) and we will make eye contact. And then next time I will be unawaredly looking at her and we will make eye contact. And then this continues, whenever we are within eyeshot at school or wherever we subconsciously stare at the other person then avert our eyes real fast so the other person won't notice. It's fucking stupid. I've started doing that with a first year. SHe's beautiful but she's like energetically dancing on the floor with a ton of hot guys and I am a piece of shit.

On a lark I messaged Ms No-Return-Calls to go to the halloween party with me. She was 'staying in tonight'. I need to unfriend her on facebook so I stop looking at her pictures. But I dont want to seem like a petty loser, even though I am.

I knew I had to leave the dance party when I was introduced to a cute chick through the one person I interacted with at the party before leaving, and couldn't think of FUCKING THING TO SAY and turned around and was basically a rude ass. ALl because the thought of conversation with a girl that is cute is utterly horrific.

I hat emy fucking life. Not sure how I still exist really. Genetically. THe sole thing I have is intelligence, and that's not really waht life is about. Life is not about being intelligent and articulate. I think its mainly just about having sex with girls that you find beautiful. And I am wildly incapable of such.

Anecdote generation

2007-10-24T08:23:00.001-07:00

Have been exceedingly busy with schoolwork this past week and thus my 'overcoming sa' endeavours have been put on hiatus. However, will definitely be going out tomorrow and possibly tonight. Anyway, schoolwork has not completely stopped my SA battling:

1. Anecdote generation. Another exercise for the ol' voice recorder (or even better, a video recorder if you have one as somebody recommended on the SA forums). I want to write this up so I can sidebar it but I don't feel there is that much to say. Everyday, at the end of the day, I force myself to come up with three anecdotes based on the day's events. Most SA people don't like this since they think nothing happens in their lives. That's begging the question though, or assuming the conclusion. It's all about how you frame it. I don't have any social interaction in a day either, so most of my anecdotes are about me biking to and from class.

They key with telling anecdotes is precision and brevity. I try to par my anecdotes down to like 4-5 sentences. It's not easy but I get better with practice. Here is where my enthusiasm for anecdote telling comes from:

Conversation Recording
Conversation Recording cont'd

Conversation is a large mystery to me as it is for most SA people. Walking into a bar and everybody talking at each other, its a phenomenon that perplexes me. How does everybody have so much to say to everybody? Regardless, if I want to meet new people I am going to have to figure that out. So for years I have been searching on the internet for either transcripts or audio recording of REAL CANDID conversations. Not scripts, not interviews, not where people know they are being recorded, but real life 'small talk' convos you would find at a bar. In order to help me figure out a conversation and figure out how to keep it going. The above youtube links (all one convo) are the only thing I have ever been able to find. And I noticed the guy mainly just relies on coming up with anecdotes about himself to tell the girl [yeah it's a 'seduction' video but who cares; it's a real conversation. He ends up getting her number too ;)].

So anyway, anecdote generation. I firmly believe in it now and am practicing at being able to do it. Also, besides the convo above, in real life when I am in earshot of a conversation I notice this is simply what people do: exchange stories about themselves. Having a very theoretical/abstract mind I am not prone to telling stories but whatever, practice! Three a day, into the vr.

2. 2 grams of omega-3 fish oils per day. I don't know if its placebo or not but after just two days I notice I maintain eye contact longer. The freeze-response seems to be not as strong. Also based on these two links (specifically the part about growing more brain tissue in schizophrenics in the wiki link: I like the idea of being able to grow a 'social' part of my brain; and also the Israeli team found people with SA have an entire 1/3 less omega 3 fatty acids in their red blood cells than normal people. Weird.) Suck down that fish oil! Make sure you get it molecularly distilled though so you don't get toxic metals:

Wikipedia on Omega 3's (note the section on Psychological Disorders)
Omega 3 and SA (read down to first study)

Hope all are doing well.

Going out

2007-10-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

Well I'm going out to the law school's weekly social function. This week it is a mixer with the med school. OH WE ARE ALL SO PROFESSIONALS. Seeing as I am a huge slacker and have 0 motivation towards being upper middle class if it means working 60 hour work weeks, I probably don't have a lot in common with most people here. But eh.

I really would like to be able to go out on my own and meet strangers but I'm working for it.

I just brainstormed for 45 minutes good anecdotes to tell. I have basically two. One about how my roommate and I ended up walking 6 miles back to our place from downtown over the summer, and one about my first day of work over the summer.

It is exceedingly hard to come up with good anecdotes but hopefully I will get better at it.

Hopefully I can figure out how to use them or they help me.

I'm not really going in with any goals. If it's a repeat of last week and people just walk away from me after two minutes and I don't work up the balls to approach any strangers, well, that won't surprise me.

Will report back.

* * *

This night went pretty well. It started off awkwardly, watching the end of a football game with some huge sports buff who knows way more about football than me, and he's asking me stuff and I can't really hear him or know how to respond.

Then got into a good conversation with the husband of some law student I don't know. He plays drums. We had a good talk about getting jobs and playing the drums. I don't play but I tried to learn once.

Then wandered around aimlessly and was about to leave when one of my good friends that I can call spotted me. He jumped in telling me this story about the other good friend I can call hooking up with some girl and her pulling out a dildo or something. I thought it was funny.

A few awkward moments with acquaintances I don't really know how to talk to. They say 'hi whats up' and I'm just like...I panic and can't think of anything to say then its awkward.

Anyway, tonight was good. I didn't approach any women or even interact with any women, but I had some pretty satisfactory interactions with men. My 'mental feel' in the convos were different, its very hard to describe, but I attribute it entirely to investigating philosophical problems on my voice recorder.

I could simply focus and visualize and pay attention much better to the convos. I could 'feel' what I found to be significant or interesting and go there.

So, it was a good night. Voicerecorders are a significant tool. Need to get some woman-interaction going but I feel good overall.

Persona basket

2007-10-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

I've realized that people who are socially apt have a wealth of personal anecdotes that they eagerly share with conversation partners at parties and the like.

I don't share anecdotes; I have no anecdotes to share.

I am presently working on changing that.

I decided to come up with 12 anecdotes: 6 'recently happened' anecdotes and 6 'keystone' anecdotes. Recently happened anecdotes are those introduced like "oh just the other day I read an article on..." or "yeah just last week I was pulled over by some cops and..." etc. Of course, these anecdotes didn't have to have actually happened when you say! But they help reveal who you are. I am working on telling them in as few sentences as possible as well, but of course without them seeming canned.

'Keystone' anecdotes describe how I am who I am today. How I ended up in law school, stories about my family and best friends etc.

The idea is that conversation is like a bonfire. If you don't feed it it dies. These anecdotes I will use like items in a basket to throw into the fire to keep it going. Other good items are questions that cause the person to tell their own anecdotes. So like if you want to ask if they like to bike, you say "tell me about the last time you went biking" not "do you like to bike."

Thats what I'm working on today. Tomorrow hopefully I will have a good 12 anecdotes ready to go and maybe go out and try them out.

I am also working on the notion of conformity as I think it is central to SA.

Continuation of last post: Conformity and SA

2007-10-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

My last post was disjointed as will be this one. But to summarize last post I basically said:

1. SA is a panic: a type of mental state that inhibits thought and action. It is analogous to the freezing response in other mammals that evolved to make them less detectable to predators. It also shares similarities with other sorts of panics such as those of people drowning (to be morbid eh).

2. Panics, or at least those associated with SA, do not occur randomly. SA panics are triggered in systematic ways by the (social) environment.

3. As a hypothesis, the SA-panic is triggered by situations involving conformity. This point will be further explored in this post, but one last point:

4. Even say, it is true, that we know for a fact what triggers the SA panic. "Oh I am panicking now because this is a situation involving conformity." Does that knowledge help us overcome it? Does it help us come out of the panic and be able to function? It is unclear such intellectual knowledge is actually effective in overcoming SA panics. This is why I stress exercises, to hopefully retrain the brain to have the capacity to function either by not panicking or being able to operate under a panic.

"Situations involving conformity"

The example from last post was imagining walking into say a classroom at school and everybody in the class is wearing full spacesuits. And you walk in in normal clothes and everybody stares at you. You would immediately feel you made a huge mistake walking into the classroom. You obviously do not belong or missed a memo or something. You are simply different from everybody else and expect to be ostracized; in fact you probably would immediately ostracize yourself by walking back out the door. This situation I think would induce in anybody SA-type feelings, however I think for those of us with SA we feel these sorts of emotions and thoughts simply by walking into a normal classroom we do belong in.

I think when we are talking for example to a member of the opposite sex we do not know and are attracted to we feel this need to conform. We don't care how we behave as long as it wins us acceptance; if everybody is wearing a spacesuit then I want to as well. When we are trying to not be rejected by a stranger, the problem is there is no obvious form of conformity that will ensure us non-ostracization. There is no mode of behaviour that will ensure he will say 'hi' next time he sees us in the hall. Thus there is a conformity problem and we enter into SA-panic mode and shutdown. Thus ironically ensuring he probably won't say hi next time he sees us because he will forget about us as soon as he talked to us; we offered nothing of us for him to remember - we couldn't think of anything to say; we were panicking at the time!

Small talk with acquaintances - especially attractive strangers of the opposite sex (OS) - is to be contrasted with ritualistic or highly regimented forms of interaction. Take for example giving a talk. Although public speaking is by no means anxiety-free (obviously) there is the old archetype of the brilliant college professor that is awkward and aloof 'behind the scenes'. I personally can easily understand this seeming paradox: giving a talk is more or less regimented. You know exactly what you are going to say before hand and where the talk is going to start and stop. You have a specific goal and clear success/failure metrics. This type of interaction is entirely unlike small talk, where there is no specific goals, there are no clear success metrics. Viz, it is easy to conform oneself into 'a good lecturer'. It is not clear what the guidelines for conformity for success in 'real life' social interactions are.

This problem of 'how to conform' shows in other areas as well. Take for example 'how to make a high selling band'. Obviously if there was a clear way to accomplish this, everybody would conform to that way.

The seeming problem is though is that there are successful bands. So apparently there is a 'certain way of being' that ensures success, but we simply cannot distill the essential factors in order to conform.

In real life, there are certain individuals who are socially successful. They are in high demand, they have a lot of friends, etc etc. So clearly there are 'ways of being' that will ensure social success.

This is where the SA-panic trigger arises: 1) Certain people who act a certain way get a lot of friends 2) I want a lot of friends; or at the least in this particular interaction I want this person to think I am cool or at least I want them to not reject me 3) I do not know how to conform my behaviour to avoid rejection; I do not know what it is about the 'cool kids' that make them socially acceptable; I do not know how to behave.

Not knowing how to behave induces the panic.

OK I still have more to say but I'm pooped. Apologies for the lack of coherence; I am using this blog to develop my ideas rather than state them coherently.

The next thing I need to do, I've realized, is develop a persona for myself. A persona is like a basket of anecodotes and quirks or whatever I give to people in order to have a meaningful interaction with them. The problem is my real persona is rather 'not suitable for publication'. I write an SA blog, I'm addicted to internet pornography (which affects my SA), I procrastinate nonstop, I can't get a job, I have few to no friends, etc etc. I need to construct a 'fun' persona that I can share with people and learn how to have good interactions and not be a shut in.

THanks for reading.

A certain way of being

2007-10-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

SA is a sort of panic. This panic causes us to lose our train of thought, to not be able to think of things to say, to not be able to listen to others, to not be able to react emotionally; to withdraw from the outside and curl up into a tight ball and pray the social interaction goes away.

This panic causes real social rejection and real social failure. Society does not reward those who are solemn and quiet. We become ashamed of our SA and try to hide it and trick others into thinking we don't have it.

Anyway, to get to the reason I started this post, panics - a certain sort of neurobiological state - are generally triggered by the environment. Certainly SA is; I do not panic and withdraw when alone in my car with tinted windows, in fact I sing to the CD player at the top of my lungs. Of course, put another person in the car and not only am I silent I am afraid to change the track of my own CD because it might upset the other person.

What assumptions do SA people make that causes them to panic that non-SA people do not make? Note, that might not be a fair question: the real problem might just be susceptibility to panic; a chemical and non-semantic problem. To digress here, being drunk is a chemical and non-semantic problem. If you are drunk and say, trying to walk straight, there is nothing you can do to make you 'undrunk'. It doesn't make sense to ask the sober person how he perceives the sidewalk such that he can walk down it straightly and how that is different from how the drunkard perceives the sidewalk.

Are there any mental deficits that are amenable to semantic learning? I don't know.

Anyway, to actually get to original point of this post, and I realize it doesn't make sense, it seems what causes the SA-panic is the fear of not 'being a certain way'.

All humans have a deep innate urge to conform. If I walk in a room and for whatever reason everybody is wearing spacesuits and I am in normal clothes, I feel bad, in fact a feeling very similar to SA. "Oh no, I am stupid, why did I walk in this room, I do not belong here, everybody is laughing at me, I am inferior" etc. I think are the sort of thoughts anybody might feel upon such a situation, and these are the thoughts the SA person feels regularly just e.g. walking down the sidewalk.

INDEED, many SA-ers myself included report a certain confidence and smoothness in social situations that are scripted or ritualized.

OK to be honest I am running out of steam right now but I will definitely pick up this discussion later since I think I am on to something. Of course, I always think that about everything I think of. But yeah.

In other news, social activity for the day = 0.

Also, for a completely different type of SA blog, check this one out: mustsocialize.blogspot.com

Ciao.

Saturday!

2007-10-13T08:44:00.001-07:00

Here's the game plan:

1. Eat and shower
2. Do IS session
3. Go do homework until around 1pm when the law school is tailgating for a football game
4. Go to tailgate, see if I can see my two friends and latch on to them for the day or another guy I go to the games with.
5. End up downtown or in a bar
6. HAVE TWO-QUESTION EXCHANGE WITH A WOMAN. That's it. See a girl. Ask her a question. Receive an answer. Ask her another question. Receive an answer. Politely excuse myself.

Will report back as always. Although I don't think anybody reads this anymore :(

* * *

UPDATE: Well, I stayed in feeling distressed that I wasn't out. This is why this is a blog about SA and not 'having an average social life'. I know what factor kept me in, it's something I've never talked about yet and is sort of embarrassing but I'll just say it right here: masturbation. Masturbating increases my anxiety fivefold. If I masturbate early in the day I give up on being social for the rest of the day. In high school I would torture myself trying to abstain for days at a time (I could usually make it five days) for that no-masturbation confidence boost. Anyway, yeah, that's what it was. Sunday I have an opportunity for some social interaction so we'll see how that goes.

Well, it's friday night

2007-10-12T20:00:00.001-07:00

I messaged one of the two law school people I ever message for social doings. He and his 'group' are bowling. I could head over there but I don't want to. They'll all be drunk and boisterous. I wouldn't enjoy it.

I want to chat up some women. I'm 23 and incapable of holding conversation with a woman. It's never going to get easier or easy. Obviously picking up girls in bars is not the best method. But it's all I have.

There are plenty of lonely 35+ year olds who don't know what to do. I don't want to be that.

It's all about frames. A girl rejecting you you can interpret as meaning you suck as a human being and should commit suicide, or that she has attitude problems or was cranky that day, whatever.

Feg.

* * *

Ok. So worked up the chutzpah to 'go out' alone. Decided to drive to downtown bar area. Law school social contact called me asking me where I was since they finished their first bowling game. He's a good friend, no questions. I felt bad not wanting to go. I didn't want to go because a) I wanted to talk to women and b) they as a group had been golfing and drinking all day and I didn't want to come in as an outsider and break up the revelry etc. In that group of friends I am only friends with two of them (the two I call for social stuff). The other males in the group are indifferent to me and we would definitely not be friends except for the two guys I am friends with. Anyway, he said he'd call me once they left bowling and never did. Not a big deal, he said they probably wouldn't be doing anything after.

Went downtown. Found a parking space 5-6 blocks away from the bars. I love the atmosphere of downtown. Walking from my car to the bars, I came upon a cute girl hauling a cello on her back. I thought of things to say. I realize the way I like relating to girls is 'smarmy-cute'. I sort of hate it and need to change it because it won't get me chicks and never has. But anyway, in line with being smarmy-cute I thought to ask her if she was carrying a tuba.

Anyway, I wussed out. Granted, it was kind of tricky since we were both more or less alone on these streets at around 11. I mean, it wasn't a 'bad part' of town or anything and there were others around, but I was very conscious of not making her feel uncomfortable or unsafe. But I'm pretty sure if I had kept a good distance I could have easily asked her about the instrument and maybe had a two question exchange or something (Is that a tuba? No its a cello. / Where do you play? Down the street. / Cool have a nice night.)

So I wussed out. And I decided if I wussed out on her I would for the entire night and there was no point in actually going to a bar. Plus I was still expecting my friend to call and was worried I might've parked in a no parking place. So I bailed before actually entering a bar and went home and slept.

I would call it a success simply because I enjoyed getting out and walking around the downtown, and that I was pretty strongly against it in the safety of my apartment. Tomorrow is Saturday and so another night out. The same general strategy applies: see if any of my (two) friends are doing something where I might meet a girl (or might be doing such later), if so join them, else go out alone and try to build interactions with strangers.

Points

2007-10-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

I read an article yesterday about drowning deaths in England. 65% of them occur within 3 meters of safety and happen to people rated as 'good swimmers'. How is this explainable? The answer, my friends, is panic. As soon as a swimmer susceptible to panic has difficulty getting his head above water, panic sets in. Rational thinking stops. The neocortex is ignored and the primitive archaic brain structures take over. Rather than calmly looking around for safety and swimming there, the person starts desperately treading water trying to force his head above it for a breath. This panic-stricken state of cognitive shutdown and primitive desperation lasts for 20-60 seconds until the person gives up, submerges, and according to survivors gives over to a calm serenity before total loss of consciousness.

I've been trying to read up on the neurobiology of the panic response. In classical psychology most people talk about the 'fight or flight' response, but this is not what panic is. Panic is more akin to the 'freezing' response, which I personally studied briefly in lab rats as an undergraduate. The freeze response is what it sounds like; when rats are introduced to a stimulus that has been previously paired with an aversive sensation (like putting them in a distinctive box where previously they received foot shocks in the box) the rats will freeze. They stop moving and they simply withdraw into themselves and I guess hope for the best.

We can understand its evolutionary role of freezing in that prey when in the presence of a natural predator that do not move and make no sound are less likely to be identified by the predator than prey that run like hell or attack the predator.

Freezing in rats I think is panic in humans. When we simply 'shut down' and can no longer function. The evolutionary newer parts of our brain - the cortices and frontal lobes thought to the situs of what makes us 'human' - give up dominance to the primitive amygdala that causes the body to halt in the hopes a predator does not recognize us.

There is no way to think one's way out of a freeze, I think this is what people with low susceptibility to panic do not realize. It is not fair to ask a good swimmer who drowned so close to safety "what was he thinking? why didnt you just swim the 3 meters to the dock?" It's not fair because a panic is ALL ENCOMPASSING and dominates rational foresight and reasoning.

However, the thing about panic in terms of SA is that it is a response to the environment. Not all people make us panic. Not all social situations make us panic. So it is something to do with how we are unconsciously interpreting certain social stimuli that elicits the panic response. This has to do with frames.

For example, I go into conversations with people consciously aware of the challenge of keeping the conversation going and with the purpose of trying to control it and keep it going. This causes me to panic.

What if I went in with a specific purpose? Let's see if I can find something that interests me about this person. Anything. And maybe nothing will. Maybe this person sucks as far as I'm concerned. But maybe something this person will say will ignite genuine interest in me. Let's see if I can find that.

Our purpose in an interaction affects how we interpret it. How we interpret it affects whether we panic or not.

I do know that if you are in a panic, the best way out of it is to not fight it. "Don't think of a pink elephant" I know, but the more you cede yourself to the panic, the less it will shut you down.

But really, I'd like to avoid panics all together.

Going out

2007-10-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, going to law school social event. Been doing IS the past 3 days about 25min per session. Goal is to say in event for 45min and not skip out earlier. Will report back when return. Bombs away.

* * *

Ok, I'm back. Managed to stay in social setting for about 30 minutes, a little under my goal.

Here is what happened. I walked to the bar where the school event was at with my roommate. We had good conversation like we usually do; he is a talker.

As we are walking there I spot a kid in one of our classes. I don't really like the kid because he seems like a douchebag, but my roommate (R) stops so we can talk to him. R engages him asking him some of the same questions he asked me. I became the third wheel and this began to make me feel anxious.

We walked into the bar and R went to get me and him a drink leaving the kid and me alone. He sort of looked around and I asked him if he comes here a lot. He says a little. I say it's a very adult crowd. He says yeah. We sort of stand there and he wanders off.

R comes with my beer and asks if I recognize anybody. I recognize some people from my class that I never talk to so I just tell him no (he's a transfer student at the school). We end up at a table with some acquaintances and R engages one of the guys there in a long conversation that is on the other side of me and I can't hear. Across the table is the wife of a kid I know and she shakes my hand and asks me where we last saw each other. I tell her two weeks ago and then panic at not knowing what to say next and so sit back in my seat to hide my panic. She goes to engage with her husband sitting next to her who was talking to some other girls.

Her husband finally recognizes me and engages me and asks me about one of our professors. I try to tell his wife about the professor saying 'hes brilliant' but the guy disagrees, saying hes a nuts and bolts guy. I get him to clarify this and can't really hear him. Then he says something else about 'the economy' and his wife sort of jumps in. They were saying something about in the real world 'economies don't balance' or something. I have no fucking idea but I'm trying to figure out what they're saying when some chick they know walks by and they cut me off to greet her.

So the new chick comes and sits across from me and we talk about how many of these (weekly) social events she has been to this semester. Then she tells me how last one she got wasted and had a flight the next day. I ask her where she was flying. She went to California to surprise her sister for her birthday. They went to Disneyland. I knew this was rich conversational soil but couldn't really come up with anything to say. I just said "the guy on the plane must have been happy sitting next to you hungover." Ha. I was trying to highlight a humorous situation but now I realize it just came out assholish. Yeah, seriously I have no social skills. Anyway she got up to get a drink then when she came back she sat down next to R and they had a great engaged conversation that was still going when I left.

So this left me sitting out of earshot of anybody at the table and starting to feel self-conscious that people are looking at the shy kid with no social skills who can't hold a conversation. So I couldn't take it for long (I tried to stay the full 45) and got up and left, leaving my roommate which I felt bad about since we walked down together.

* * *

1. IS helps. I realize all social interactions are basically 'initial conditions' and expressing those conditions. I.e. at beginning of conversation I want to ask X. This is an initial condition. Then the person answers and I want them to clarify. This is another condition. Etc. The key is you must be in touch with that part of your brain that tells you what you want. SA disconnects you from this part.
2. If you enter conversations as I do from the initial context of 'wanting to carry a conversation or prove that I can carry a conversation' your conversation will fail. I must learn this and to genuinely check my context when entering an interaction with somebody.
3. SA isn't just a thing in your head. It leads to real-life social failures and rejections which leads to real low self-esteem etc.

Anyway, most of my social outing posts won't be this long since normally I won't know anybody and likely won't talk to anybody.

I will chalk tonight up as a failure due to making two people uncomfortable enough to excuse themselves from my conversation attempts, for leaving my roommate at the bar without telling him I'm bailing, and for leaving early.

Goodnight from the world of SA.

New tact

2007-10-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

The "IS in real life" turned out to be a no go. Not a big surprise really. I do think it would be helpful.

I think the new tact I'm going to take with this blog is "SA guy tries to get girlfriend." Although I do not feel that I have fully described what SA is from a theoretical standpoint, I do feel my IS simulation exercise is the ultimate self-treatment possible. It is a form of meditation, and I feel and notice its effects in my everyday life. Rather than hiding in fear (internally) at the approach of a social interaction, I know who I am and am not afraid of expressing it. Social interaction is simply two 'wills' clashing off of each other.

Anyway obviously I will not be able to escape the theoretical aspects of this blog; it is simply who I am and how I write. It always feels incomplete though; I want to write a comprehensive essay: THIS is what SA is phenomenologically; THIS is what SA people do and THIS is what non-SA people do cognitively in social interactions. THIS is how to overcome it. Perhaps in time.

So, I want a girlfriend, because my life is boring as sin. I'm in law school and have no job, and don't really put out a lot of effort into classwork (the whole lawyer thing was a dumb idea, having strong SA is a major setback in the legal industry). I don't really feel wildly comfortable being 'one of the guys', and also they bore the shit out of me talking about sports and betting nonstop. My roommate and I used to go out a lot and have good times but he has since gotten a girlfriend and spends all his time with her.

It's not so much I want a girlfriend, but I want to be able to get one. I view it as developing a martial art, although the hardest and most intense martial art ever imagined. Presently, I actively repulse girls. I do not know why obviously. But after an initial conversation certain sorts of girls become strongly interested in me, and after the second meeting they no longer return my messages. It kills me.

I find trying to get a girlfriend interesting simply from an intellectual perspective. The problem, of course, is putting it all into words.

But in any case, I think what I will do is 'go out' every night and try to achieve one goal. Like tonight I will just try to go out and have a coffee at a coffee shoppe. I will try to come up with incremental goals. And I will post the results in this blog. Public accountability as a form of motivation. Because honestly, I feel like a waste of life. I want do be something useful. And I can't do anything useful when I'm shy.

IS for real

2007-10-08T21:13:00.001-07:00

I set up an invite on the SAS forums to do situational improv over Skype. Here is the thread. This could be cool, or nothing could come of it. We will see. In any case if you are an interested reader put a response in that thread or here and I will try to keep everybody updated.

Observations on interaction simulation

2007-10-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

I don't want to feel like I'm just hawking a particular treatment methodology. But I thought I would catalog some recent results of interaction simulation (IS).

1. Learning about myself. I recently did a simulation where the idea was to have an 'ideal' social evening. Now obviously an immediate criticism here is it is impossible for anyone to guess what a fun night for him would be. I agree. However, to moderately attenuate that criticism, keep in mind a key facet of the way I do IS: I simply set up an initial context and then more or less 'randomly' simulate characters' reactions to each other and the environment. However my character, his initial context was wanting to have fun. So I tried to see how I would go about having fun with a group of friends.

2. The genesis of character. I have been interested in writing and fiction writing for a long time. Not fiction writing so much, because I have NEVER been able to create believable interesting characters. Now remember as far as IS goes that does not matter. Whatever happens in IS happens and we don't stop it for anything, i.e. if our characters in a particular IS session are complete bullshit and would never exist in real life, we keep going (note: I usually do 15min per IS session). Even in my conversation simulations I was not dealing with characters. By characters I mean individual entities with their own wills and place in the 'environment'. But with IS, I have found that characters are just starting to pop up. I am not consciously trying to create them; they just arise. I think this is of fundamental importance in terms of how one cognizes people. The SA mind cognizes all people as superiors who he must impress to win affirmation and safety. The character-based way of interpreting people is entirely different: people have their own individual wills and proclivities and live in their own worlds. I think this is very important.

3. Spontaneous engagement. All these theoretical results are great, but what about real life. I realize this is purely anecdotal as I am not a Psychology Professor (perhaps one day) with a population of freshmen to run psych experiments on, but I note that I personally after sessions of IS spontaneously engage people. There is no hesitation like normal. I don't stop and check myself to make sure I will behave acceptably. I don't stop to repeat a mantra in my head "you are good enough!". I simply engage unprotected, unveiled.

* * *

I've been thinking of joining an actual improv group for more 'realistic' practice. I.e., expressing candid reactions to completely unforeseen actions of others. However, I am woefully too shy to do such.

Also, I want to meet girls. A lot of girls. I'm sick of being lonely and my law school buddies are great but basically just sit around and drink and play poker. I want to do more interesting shit, and for that I need women. I am going to try to meet women. As many as possible. I am not sure how though.

A closing context. I think I might close blog posts with an initial context for ISing. I really think it does restructure your cognition in ways intellectual cognitive therapy cannot (obviously IS fits within the behavioural part of CBT I would reckon). A context I am running through is a guitar thief is stealing all the guitars in a town. There is the guitar shop owner, the thief, the theif's mother, and a band of cool kids who have to stop the thief. If it helps you to write rather than voicerecord, do that. I voice record because of mild carpal tunnel syndrome. And like I said, each IS session I only go for 15 min. Give it a whirl for a week or so.

Toodles.

Thursday

2007-10-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit of SA with regards to posts which prevents me from posting. I feel a pressure for every post to have a complete argument and message. At the same time I feel a pressure to not let the blog stagnate; to keep readers engaged.

I guess I could just come in here and write a list of my SA-moments throughout the day. I was reasonably social last Saturday but don't want to call my 'contact' again for fear of being needy. My love interest responded to my text with "I'm busy right now but I'm going out with some people later call if you want to join" and I want to call her right now and invite her to a concert but it wouldn't work.

Ostensibly this journal was supposed to document my progress in overcoming SA through the use of social skills exercises (SSEs). However, it is more or less impossible to do this.

The whole point of the type of SSEs I espouse in here is the focus on nonsemantic change. As a direct analogy, a person learning to play the piano would have a boring blog if they attempted to document 'overcoming not playing the piano' through 'piano playing exercises'. This type of biological change cannot be put into words.

To be honest, I have been slacking on my own SSEs. Instead of doing interaction simulation as described in the last post, I have been doing theoretical inquiry into SA. To be honest, I find some of the main benefits: as long as you are 'getting in touch with yourself' when you are talking on the voicerecorder I find it is easier to be natural in social situations.

Here are just a few theoretical points I have been working on. The irony of bringing brute force intellectualism into SA is that you don't want to be intellectualizing when you are actually in an interaction. You want to be driven by your own will. Anyway, here are the points:

1. I think SA is better characterized as a dread-panic. It is not a fear or an anxiety, but a visceral dread when presented with a social interaction. The dread is that unless one behaves 'a certain way' ostracization, rejection, embarrassment and subsequent self-loathing will result. I dread not being able to keep the conversation going: not being able to think of anything to say leading to rejection and future avoidance on the part of my interlocutor. In fact this is I think the main thing I dread: lack of conversation; lack of interactional content. I dread social situations in groups of three, and one of the people walk away leaving me with one on one; I cannot handle those situations.

1a. If we characterize SA as this feeling of dread, how do we deal with it? Do we try to make the dread go away somehow (practicing social skills so that I will always have conversational content?) Do we focus on not doing away with the dread but simply responding to it?

2. Mantras. One way and the predominant way I deal with the dread-panic is by an internal "affirmation" or thing I tell myself. For example, I might say "No one is focused on you" to help me walk around a cafeteria. I might say "you cannot control how this interaction goes" before and during an interaction with a person. When I discover a mantra they help at first, but then they become useless. I worry I don't truly believe the mantra and that I'm not living up to its content.

3. Semantic/non-semantic learning. Illustrated above with the piano example. Overcoming SA I think ultimately requires non-semantic learning. Learning to play a piano or to write well. Ernest Hemingway cannot sit here and explain to us in a way that we could replicate how he wrote. This is an extremely complex topic and I will leave it at that for now.

I think ultimately the intellectual mind will not overcome SA. That is, it is impossible to in a situation in which one is feeling panic-dread to intellectually turn it off.

The thing is is the panic-dread is real: it does inhibit conversations and thus relationships and thus one's entire life.

Anyway, I've said enough for now. For some reason I am feeling angry with this post.

Interaction simulation

2007-09-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Have a ton of boring schoolwork to do this weekend. Spent last night in. Wanted to share two things fast.

A lot of this blog has been dealing with the exercise of using a voice recorder to simulate conversation: questioning inanimate objects in your room and the like.

I know it sounds crazy but it's based on the following premises:
1. The brain is like a muscle, if you exercise the social part of your brain it will grow (or at least not atrophy!). When you practice talking to objects in your room you are practicing interaction. Yes, it is not like real social interaction, but neither is shooting free throws in your driveway.
2. I notice in myself differences in how I real-life interact. I more spontaneously ask questions and I listen to other people much better.

Anyway, this interaction simulation has for me recently taken another turn into full on improvisation of imagined contexts. I realized that the context I had been using - trying to get my toothpaste to accept me socially because of my good questioning skill - is a limited context and unrealistic. It is a single social frame I had simply been rehashing, and the frame was always from one of inferiority: trying to gain acceptance by showing off conversational skill. And I noticed this is what I started doing in real life.

Thus, I now do interaction simulation but from a wide variety of different frames. I don't know if you have ever seen improvisational sketch comedy, but basically a context is set up ("you are a mailman trying to make a phone call to his wife that he will be late because of the rain but there is somebody hogging the phone booth") and the actors play it out purely randomly with no attention to how it is going to conclude or anything like that. This is what I have started doing in the privacy and safety of my own room. And I find the phenomenological effects have been enormous. I get this fleeting feeling of freedom afterwards that I know I can enjoy doing whatever I want. I can go talk to people and make friends and none of it is a big deal.

I think I might start posting some good context setups here. And yes I play all characters which also takes a large degree of focus which I think is great brain exercise.

In line with these thoughts last night I discovered a comment on another SA blog that I think really resonated with me. It talks about will and expressing will, and this I think is what this improv interaction simulation is all about. Here is the comment:

"Look what you have is lack fo self-confidence b/c of never asserting your will. Nobody gets real confidence until they learn to do that. You have been complying with the will of other people mostly all of this time, and all you need to do is realize what you’re doing, and say ok all I need to do is assert my will then b/c it’s jsut as good as everybody elses. I am Equal to them. They are just like you..really. It’s just they’ve had wayyy more practice, and you need to give yourself total credit, because from my perspective I don’t see that you are different from anybody! You just need to assert your will. That’s all. Realize that your will is just as good as ANyone else’s..seriously. It is. This is all you need practice with nothing else, ok? Once you assert your will, and you realize that you’ve just been too complacent with following along with other people’s wills, you will realize that it’s all totally good, because everything stops being a threat. Why? Cuz you know you don’t HaVe to follow along with it if you don’t WaNT to. And another thing..your environment hasn’t been influential enough to encourage you to express your will and ..you know what i mean? That’s why you’ve developed a negative outlook. But look, everyone is friendly, everyone needs a friend–human loneliness is in all of us and we need someone. All of us. It’s ok to be human, and forgive yourself for being human and love every bit of your perfectly normal fears and insecurities. Don’t think that other people are too different! They’re totally not, they just seem that way, really, but only because they’ve had more practice asserting their will–and having it get a positive effect. AnYNONE would’ve shrunk up into a little corner if their environment had not helped them evolve their growth as an individual with a will and with personal power to change things around them. Just remember–Stop thinking about the other person, because you are assserting your will now. If you decide to follow along witht he other person, it’s because you WANt to do exactly that at that moment, wanting to means you’d rather not be doing Anyything else lol remember! If you feel like doing something ELSE–just do it That’s all. Awesomeness." http://shyandquiet.com/2007/07/15/conversation/#comments

In other news, tonight should be good. My roommate (the only person I hang out with) and I have plans to go see a performance of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony and alternatively a football game. Also I might ask Miss No-Return-Calls to go to the football game. What's funny is she asked my roommate out to lunch the day after I called her and left a message. Yeah.

SA and Girls

2007-09-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

As in, my relationships with girls, not, girls who have SA, of which, there are some!

A girl who has not returned my calls has been causing me deep pain lately. So I thought I would use this post to describe my past relationships with girls. I think there is something horribly wrong with how I go about interacting with girls I am romantically interested in. And this causes me great pain and loneliness. And I have no idea what it is. Since I've only been 'involved' with 4 girls, including current Miss No-Return-Calls, this will be a short post!

1. High school girlfriend. We had similar interests, senses of humor, personalities, body types. She was what at the time and even now I guess I would call a bit of a slut, having had oral sex with 6-7 guys before me (at 18). She started calling my practically sole high school friend to get the three of us to do stuff (like go bowling or to a movie etc). So we did stuff for a month. Then one day I invited her out alone and awkwardly grabbed her butt. And she turned around and kissed me. And we were inseparable for the next 10 months through the first semester of college. I started hating my relationship with her because I would use her as a "crutch": rather than going out and making friends and having a social network, I spent all my time in her dorm room or she in mine. I was deeply ashamed that I had this comfortable place in her without even having to have tried; i.e. without having 'earned' any friends of my own and her having done all the work to start our relationship. Also, for whatever reason her past sexual partners bothered me deeply, her having been the first girl I'd ever done anything with. I would obsess over them and it caused me great pain. Finally, I became pretty fucking sure I had something *wrong* with me when, even 10 months into our relationship, I could not orgasm in a reasonable amount of time (less than 3 hours) with her. The expectation to orgasm put too much pressure or something on me - when a girl is giving you oral sex the entire focus is on you and your orgasm, and that caused me to panic and shut down - and I simply could never orgasm properly with her. Which made her feel bad, because I was ashamed of my SA and couldn't admit and explain it even to her. She thought there was something unattractive sexually about her.

I think she outgrew the relationship, wanting to live a more 'normal' party-girl college life. She catalyzed us breaking up with me actually leaving her so she wouldn't have to deal with the guilt. I was clinically depressed for 4-5 weeks afterwards (to the point of not being able to eat, not being able to sit in one place for any length of time, walking long distances to nowhere, sending her emails everyday) and still obsessed with her for the remainder of my college career. For example, I grew my hair long just on the offchance I would run into her on campus (with a student body of 50k kids) and she would be impressed by my cool hair and want me back. I remembered her email password that she didn't change and read all her uninteresting email. I whispered her name in anxiety situations.

2. I wouldn't have involvement with a girl again until 4 years later in the first semester of law school. I met an undergraduate freshmen at a university event and she became attracted to me, me being a sophisticated law student and her being fresh out of high school. Yes, fucked up, but honestly she was very mature for her age. The night after meeting her she messaged me on facebook and I called her and took her out. I told her my life story about coming to law school and she didn't really say much. We went back to my place and cuddled. And I thought I had won a new girlfriend when she let on that she didn't see anything serious about our nascent relationship. So I got angry and took her home and had a whiny argument. I'm not sure why I got whiny, I think I'm probably a Petulant Child romantically which is another post possibly. Anyway, she was decidedly less interested in me after that night. We did eventually end up 'hooking up' (oral sex) and after the night we hooked she wrote me on facebook telling me she felt dirty and it would never happen again and she was sorry she "used" me. We had a month or so of sporadic facebook messaging until she told me to leave her alone, stop messaging her, and she would go to the police if necessary if I kept contacting her. I blocked her and that was that basically.

3. Met a girl at a play. Had sex with her next weekend. Asked her if she wanted to hang out after that. Never heard from her again. Relieved.

4. I think what turned off current girl is I got hurt/angry that she was busy when I tried to get coffee for the first time with her. I was like "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" over the phone. I think maybe this is the thing that turns off girls, I really do get whiny like a child at any slight. And also I can't approach them.

But really, I don't think the SA male can have a girlfriend. Because she will become his social life. Because he does not enjoy and avoids all social situations. He does not have a network of friends. When the SA male has a girlfriend, she is his whole life. And this is why he cannot have one, despite yearning desperately for a girl every night. Girlfriends can only be had by men whose impulses find actual expression in life and are not buried in a pit of shame and whose emptiness in life is not masked by constant internet and electronic media stimulation.

The SA man does not want to love a girl, he only wants relief from his constant agonizing loneliness and self-hatred. Any girl will do (that is not too fat/ugly natch).

So, I guess, ladies, watch the fuck out.

Hrm.

Alone on Saturday Night

2007-09-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

One of the good things about having SA is that you get a lot of free time. Free time is good if you have any creative inclination whatsoever. Me, I've been consumed with speaking into my voice recorder. I love the sound of my own voice I guess. I'm a huge narcissist. So what. It's better than staring at the fucking wall, or praying that my roommate doesn't come home and find me alone on a Saturday night and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Well I'm not sure what the fuck is wrong with me, Mr. Roommate, but if I had the capacity like you to form enjoyable relationships with people then I would definitely do that! I do have three people I would be comfortable calling but I don't want to seem like the codependent kid who depends on them for all his social outlet, since they NEVER call me. There is a sloppy overweight girl who became enamored with me one night after my roommate forced me out to celebrate his getting a job and I basically just practiced my questioning skill on her, and being inebriated I asked a bunch of weird questions which she found profoundly funny (for example she is a German exchange student so I asked her to list all the American profanities she knew). Anyway point being she invited me to play pool with her and her friend in an hour. I guess I'll do that if I'm not asleep. The thing is, if I'm sober around her it's a completely different dynamic. I mean I think she's fairly obviously romantically interested in me and it just wouldn't work out. For reasons some of which I am ashamed of (i.e. male peers looking down on me for being with an overweight girl). I dont want to do anything physical with her especially since we go to the same school. I don't know, it's territory I am very unfamiliar with. So yeah, anyway, social anxiety is cool if you have any creative inclinations and it gives you free time to act on those. Of course for me anything other than typing or speaking I am too lazy to do. It sort of feels like a big waste - my life. But I am well fed and you can't beat that really. And I can always blow my brains out after my mother dies.

Socializing is hypnotic

2007-09-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a quick little post about some empirical results today and encourage anyone who reads this blog to do this.

I have a digital voice recorder. I bought it for $40 off of Amazon. It hooks up to my computer. Here's what I do with it: I lock myself in my bathroom in front of my mirror and I simulate conversation for 15 minutes. Always between myself and anybody else. A girl I like, a person from earlier in the day I wanted to interact with but couldn't think of anything to say, job interviewers, dead celebrities, etc.

Why would I do this?

Socialization practice. Socializing is a set of tools that people use to win affections from one another. These tools are not complex. Socially anxious people fail to learn these tools because they are too afraid to 'try'. Their lack of social tool use exacerbates their problem and results in a negative cycle. If I were not lazy I could cite papers to back this up, but research SA on google scholar. See what you find.

The brain is like a muscle. Well, its like a set of muscles. The more I use a particular skill set, the more neurons and interconnections support that skill set. The human brain is incredibly plastic.

Every human is constantly generating impulses. Things to do next. In social settings, we generate social impulses. Every human also feels shame and inhibition regarding each impulse he generates. The socially anxious person feels this to an extreme such that every impulse (even before behavioural expression) results in such feelings of shame that the SA person eventually utterly represses his impulses. He completely disconnects from his impulses, and this is why SA people are quiet in social situations. They have completely disconnected from what drives people (i.e. impulse generation).

In people without SA, they do feel shame and anxiety about their impulses, but not to the degree that they do not express them. As an SA person, you have probably noticed many non-SA people expressing the very same impulse you may have felt but were far too embarrassed to express. For example a question in a class. You might have felt shame at not knowing the answer your question and so not ask it, when a less shy person raises their hand and asks the exact same question. Non-SA people express their impulses and therefore get feedback from the social environment and they LEARN, and their future impulses are shaped by this learning.

There are thus two factors inhibiting SA people: their innate high shame levels and their lack of social skills.

Simulating conversation in the mirror treats both problems. You will feel shame at the conversation you are simulating (like, oh this isn't real; this isn't how people talk; I am so embarrassed) but the shame inhibition will be lower because it is not real; it is only you (and the recorder). You will act on your impulses. You will learn to get in touch with your impulses.

When you first start. You will sit there and stare at yourself thinking of nothing to say. Remember, you are there to get back in touch with your impulses. Say ANYTHING, and THE FIRST THING that pops in your head. The VERY FIRST THING, SAY THAT.

Eventually with experience you will put yourself into a hypnotic state. You will chatter and babber incessantly in front of the mirror. You will be purely and entirely driven by your innate impulses. This is good. This is what you want.

When you play back the recorder, you will learn that nothing you said was that egregious. In fact, you might find it attractive, and you might find other people would find you attractive as well.

At the same time, you are teaching yourself the social skill of attentional focus (focusing outside of yourself i.e. the conversation and the other person when interacting).

Today I simulated conversation right before a job interview, and had the smoothest job interview I've ever had. I didn't have to resort to my preplanned questions written on the paper in front of me. I had good eye contact without thinking about it. And I was genuinely interested in what the people had to say, and in sharing myself with them.

Ok, that's not true. It wasn't perfect. There were awkward pauses and I had eye contact problems. But I am very excited about conversation simulation. Practice getting yourself in that hypnotic state. At least, this is what I do.

Also, going to ask girl from prior posts out again tonight. Woot.

A possible social growth exercise

2007-09-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

I believe that social anxiety can be largely overcome through doing. I guess this is similar to exposure theories of SA (i.e., first you say hi to the grocery store cashier, then next day you ask her how she is doing, then next day you ask a stranger for the time, etc.) but rather than focusing on the exposure proper as if that automatically will cure you, we focus on your doing. Good conversation, after all, isn't something that just happens to lucky people; it is something you do. It can be learned with exercise I believe.) The most important point is is that under my focus or framework, unlike with exposure theories, you can practice overcoming SA without social exposure. You can practice body language, conversational questioning, conversational self-disclosure, focusing and priming your attention, all without being in the actual 'line of fire' of a real interaction.

One possible shortcoming of this approach is it views all real interactions as 'the performance' and never as 'the practice'. I think this might be fine. I think socially average people when in an interaction are not largely focused on the interaction, their attention is on other things (that we learn to focus on through exercises). If a person is conscious of the interaction as a a 'practice interaction', even if that might relieve some of the pressure which is important, I think ultimately it would still inhibit natural flowing interaction.

The main pitfall of the socially anxious person is The Freeze. The Freeze probably deserves its own entry; but The Freeze is when the SA person's brain shuts down and he is no longer focused on the external world but on himself. Information cannot flow, and information flow is vital to conversation and social interaction. The Freeze is why 'quiet people' are quiet: because they are in an internal deadlock; they are pushing and pulling at the same time and shielding themselves away from all incoming stimuli and internal stimuli as well. The best way to avoid The Freeze is to not fight The Freeze. Be ok with being quiet and with dropping conversations. Learn to accept "I am now in a Freeze. This is just who I am."

Anyway, this entry got out of line. My original intention was to posit the following exercise: the Meeting People exercise. Get a sheet of paper and number it one through five leaving equal space. Indented under each number equally space five more entries. Also, write the date of the week on the top of it ("Week of 9/14/07"). Thus, your paper will look like this:

Week of 9/15/07

1.
a.

b.

c.

d.

e.

2.
a.

b.

[etc.]

Now, keep that paper on you at all times, and a pen. Also, keep in mind this is a somewhat advanced exercise and may not be for you. There's not shame in that. Start with my questioning exercise described in the entry below.

Now, not to be unduly suspenseful, the paper is for the names of five people you will meet, and five things you like about that person. Some of the things you like about them might not come up in conversation, they might just be 'she is cute'. But use the list as an excuse to meet people. Don't worry about having a long interaction, simply focus on getting enough tidbits to fill the list. Obviously you will need their name. After that, you don't even have to talk to them anymore. You can just write down their name and the fact you liked their hair colour, their posture, the beer they were drinking, etc.

At the end of the week, hopefully you will have a full list of five people you met and five things you liked about them. If you don't have a full list, next week make a new list with only one more person than the amount you have on the list now. If you only met two people, make a list with three.

If you can meet five new people every week, you would probably have a pretty awesome life. I realize this is an advanced exercise, but I think I will give it a try. I will post my list and my results here next Sunday.

A social skills excercise I

2007-09-10T18:53:00.001-07:00

Questioning is by far one of the most powerful social skills there is. If you observe any 'sociable' person you will notice they ask tons of questions, and they dont even think about it.

Questioning forces you out of yourself, out of fighting your anxiety, and onto the other person.

I can say from personal empirical experience, questioning people warms them up to you. It is like flipping on a switch. A distant, awkward, and cold relationship is almost immediately transformed into one of joviality and friendliness with the asking of some questions.

You don't have to ask magical questions. In fact, often the most banal and obvious questions (how about this weather?) have the best results because they are familiar and because the person asking them is not trying to prove anything; he is simply trying to be friendly.

HERE IS THE EXERCISE:
You will need a pad of paper and a pen. Think of five people you know. Your father and mother are two people right there. Alternatively, situate yourself in a public area like a coffee shoppe or library. Pick out five random people.

Now, on your paper write down the name of the person (or just 'kid with the blue shirt' for random people). Now, under their name number one through seven. Now, after each number write a question you might want to ask them. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY ASK THEM THESE QUESTIONS. The purpose of this exercise is merely to train your brain to think about people in a way different from how you normally think about them - in a questioning way.

Try to personalize your questions. Also, related questions are great. So for example, obviously you could ask 'person with blue shirt': 1. how do you like this weather 2. how are you feeling 3. what did you have for breakfast 4. what's your favourite colour 5. boxers or briefs 6. do you like sports? 7. where are you from? but you can ask anybody these questions. Personalize them: 1. cold today? 2. what do you think about the table you are sitting at? 3. is it sturdy? 4. don't you hate unsturdy tables? 5. what are you studying? 6. is it interesting? 7. how tall are you?

Yes, these questions might be pedantic or stupid, or something we would never actually ask, but who cares. Thats not the point. The point is slowly altering our frame of mind in relating to others.

When you do this exercise, you will feel shame and anxiety that either you can't come up with any questions or that you can't come up with any that are 'normal' or 'good'. I urge you to note this feeling and write down whatever the first question that pops in your head is. Make your questions weird if you have to, really weird (what would your mother think if a clown murdered you?) The weirder the better, in fact I guarantee you if you asked that question to somebody you would likely get a laugh.

After you've done this for a week or so (and have written out 100s of questions), leave the pen and paper at home. As you walk down the street try to formulate questions you would ask the strangers. In your daily social interactions with your friends, try to come up with questions (although it is dangerous to consciously force yourself to do this since you will become self-conscious and freeze; the hope is over time you will naturally find you have questions to ask and actual honest curiosity in the answers to those questions). When in actual social interaction, you want to be naturally curious; this exercise will hopefully train our brain into that spot. People love people who are genuinely interested in them, and the world is much more interesting when you are interested in people (since like, rocks and shit are great but pretty boring after a while).

Conversation

2007-09-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

I talk about conversation a lot in this blog since it is more or less the backbone of relationships. I mean, it's not the entire backbone; every living person has some sort of relationship with every other living person simply because we all live on Earth or all breathe air or whatever.

Conversation is something most people don't think about until it's missing. For me, it is missing. At parties, I literally stand there, alone in the middle of the room, drinking a beer. And then I go home, alone and embarrassed.

I will say lately I have been having more success with conversation. Everyday I feverishly practice questioning the items on my bathroom countertop about their lives. For example, toothpaste: what did you do last night? does it hurt when I squeeze you? how do you get along with handsoap? where do you come from? do you keep in touch with your parents? how do you feel about your maker: Crest? what's on your mind? etc. And then I generate a usually humorous response pretending I am the object in question.

The capacity to generate context specific questions in conversation has started and deepened numerous a conversation recently I otherwise would not have had. Furthermore, it eases the anxiety a little so that you can focus on the other person, because you know when the current topic dies you will be able to give it more life or to change topic with a new question. In this way you can focus your attention on (or let your attention naturally focus on) the person you are talking to and the subject you are talking about. When you are in conversation these are really the only two areas your mind should be in. Your mind should NOT be focusing on itself and making sure its prepared for the social challenge before us (i.e. maintaining a conversation).

My conversations are still fairly short and a lot of times awkward, and I still make people who do not know me uncomfortable. But my connections with people are deepening because of this newfound questioning ability.

I'm not sure what ultimately I want socially. I just want to be like everybody else: to be able to form acquaintanceships and relationships etc. I'm not sure.

Regarding the date of last post, it went alright. The conversation flowed pretty well. I'm pretty sure I will end up as a friend of hers rather than a romantic interest, which isn't really something I want at all. That sounds kind of assholish I guess but it's true. I want a romantic relationship with her with intimacy and touching and all that. Being her polite friend is no good. We'll see I guess. She ended the date early to do homework, and I sent her a message the next telling her I enjoyed the date (not calling it that) and she has not responded. It would really be great if she initiated contact with me next, because otherwise I just feel like I'm bothering her. Kind of like with all of my male friends.

But these conversational skills I think are a good thing I have going for me now and I will continue to practice them alone in my bathroom with my shaving cream and face wash.

SA and Dating

2007-09-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm about to embark on some sort of date, one on one with a female, here in a few minutes or so. I thought I would put down some thoughts I am thinking. I met her at a church get together and a week later asked her to meet for coffee and here we are.

I want it to go well I guess. I want her to like me, or for us to be compatible. I don't want there to be long awkward pauses in the conversation. I don't want to be self-conscious and panic and freeze. I don't want her to message me tomorrow and tell me to not call her anymore or that we should just be friends or whatever. I want her to like me.

And you know my brain inhibits itself to go through multiple strategies to ensure my next action is in line with whatever strategy I am relying on for her to like me.

I guess the strategy I will have tonight is to say the first thing that pops into my head without apology. I will seize my first thought and express it and not be shameful about it. And my second thoughts and third thoughts and anxieties and fears, I will express those too. I will tell her I want her to like me and that I am afraid she might not, that I might not be good enough.

I will be ashamed of everything that I am, or I will be ashamed of the parts of myself that I am ashamed about and not about the rest, and I will express my shame to her. And if she pities me fine.

I don't know man, I feel like I'm batshit insane.

It's better than being dead though right?

Does Social Anxiety Exist? II

2007-09-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

If you go on youtube and search the term "social anxiety" you get a bunch of individuals speaking about having social anxiety, and a science-y type lecturer speaking on it.

It is hard to characterize SA, and it is tempting to argue it doesnt exist.

Mental disorders generally are of course hard to define and legitimize.

The main benefit people like me get out of understanding SA as a mental disorder is a feeling of relief from the shame and self-hatred: my lack of friends is not my fault; my avoidance of interacting with people is not because I am inferior to them but because I have a disorder that is possibly treatable; other people who are happy and have friends do not necessarily deserve them whereas I do not, they simply do not suffer from this mental disorder. Furthermore, having the mental disorder is not my fault: I was born with it, and it's because there is not enough serotonin in my brain (or whatever).

I mean what is clearly (empirically) true is that:
1) I am a wallflower in social situations. I do not approach people and I say very little
2) I engage in little to no after-school socializing. My school friends do not call me to hang out and I do not call them (well sometimes I do but they never call me so I feel awkward constantly calling them to hang out with no reciprocation...like they're doing me a favour or something)
3) Nobody, e.g., posts on my facebook wall
4) I am 24 and have been involved with 3 girls my entire life, all which ended in heartbreak

I don't want this post to get too long, but I guess what I'm struggling with is how to define mental disorder, what it does for us (the definition), etc.

I mean there is the point that socially anxious people just are inferior. I for example am drastically underweight, have a very large nose (which of course I feel people constantly stare at, which they probably do), have 0 aggressive ability or motivation.

Theres really nothing wrong with being inferior other than the stark pain of constant shame and rejection.

Sorry this post goes nowhere. I will say that science-y people usually define 'social anxiety' as 'fear of being judged' or something to that effect. I don't think that hits the core though. I think the core of social anxiety is overactive shame sensations. And not shame in the moral sense (like oh I feel bad I just murdered the postman) but shame in the inferior sense (like oh I got picked last for recess soccer). People who are socially anxious simply feel painful and drastic levels of shame on a daily basis in social situations (and I know in high school I would feel painful shame even sitting alone in my room because I would feel I was 'supposed' to be out being social). So if I could somehow lessen the shame I feel (or at least, embrace my shame as my therapist advocates) would this mean my friends might call me to hang out, girls might be interested in spending time with me, I could engage in small talk at parties? I don't know.

On a related note, I had my first job interview ever yesterday. It went 10 minutes long out of the scheduled 20. Although there was some panic/anxiety there, it was mostly once the interviewer glanced at his watch it destroyed my confidence and when he asked "is there anything else you would like to ask us" after 10 minutes I felt there was no point in going on. My gpa is embarassingly low because I hate law school, but its not law school specifically, I just have no ambition towards 'prestige' or '$100k+ a year'.

Conversation simulation II: Questioning

2007-09-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today, for my usual 15 minute conversation simulation in front of the mirror, instead of just a generic interaction which usually ends with my soliloquizing about myself for the whole time, I made it a point to question my imaginary cointeractor as much as possible, about his life. I talked to my hand soap and questioned him. I talked to an imaginary kid from Africa. I pretended I was in the same situation I was in earlier today where a friendly attractive girl and I crossed paths and I choked and said nothing; this time in my bathroom I asked her how she likes being back in school and if she did anything fun over the summer.

I find that focusing on a constant barrage of questions keeps these conversation simulations flowing and covering a wide range of topics like real life conversation.

Furthermore, after priming my brain through the 15 min simulation session, later at school my interactions flowed much smoother. In order to question somebody, you have to be 'in their shoes'. At least, you have to focus on them. This is key because as we all know focusing on oneself disrupts the flow of consciousness and leads to freezing. However not that I think self-consciousness is the essential element of social anxiety. It is the social anxiety that makes us self-conscious, because we feel the intense dread of the impending social interaction, which forces us to pause and focus back in on ourselves to determine why we feel this dread.

The trick, as I have learned in a years worth of therapy, is to feel the dread and not fight it, and continue doing what you are doing anyway.

Anyway, I will continue to practice questioning-based conversation simulation and see how my days improve. (To be honest with most tricks they work for a while then die).

I asked my current love interest on facebook how she is doing to no reply (after about 5 hours so far). Really I just want to ask her to the local coffee shoppe and talk with her and cuddle. I do feel kind of confident about her, we did seem to hit it off genuinely and not in a fake way. I could be wrong, we shall see.

Also I have my first job interview ever tomorrow. I'm not that nervous yet, I'm just going to get in there and ask them everything I can about the firm. Questioning really does control a conversation; it is an incredibly powerful tool to develop. I will try to post specific examples later.

Does Social Anxiety Exist?

2007-09-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

Social anxiety I would define as believing oneself to be inferior compared to others. That is, inasmuch as humans are creatures that form status/hierarchy-based tribes, social anxiety is the belief that one is low status: not to be respected, not to be included, to be ostracized, forgotten, chastised, scolded, abused.

The question is is maybe social anxiety does not exist; maybe I actually am low status. Anybody born with my genes would automatically be inferior to others and not deserving of their friendship, respect, and love.

I know my mother has oft come home from work upset and stressed and declaring she is going to quit because of office politics; status based maneuvering of her other compatriots. Since she is socially anxious like me, she cannot compete in these games and they simply pain her.

According to some study I don't recall where, only 0.5% of English and Welsh people exhibit social anxiety as measured by some metric. In a simplistic Darwinian world, which for all I know is real, we would not expect low status people to reproduce much, but I think due to chance we could at least expect 0.5% of low status humans to have their offspring on Earth today.

So perhaps I come from a long line of people who are simply inferior. Not because other people are mean to them or irrationally persecute them, but simply because my lineage cannot converse, cannot empathize, cannot provide for themselves, cannot play political games, cannot do whatever it is higher status people do.

Anyway, went to a tailgate yesterday. Had a brief and awkward conversation with one of those ebulliently friendly popular people (i.e. a pity conversation) about classes and housing arrangements. It died after about 2 minutes and he went to talk to somebody else. I didn't really know anybody else at the tailgate and sure as shit wasn't going to join a group of strangers talking (especially considering I ALWAYS break up any group I join, ALWAYS). So I walked away. Then my roommate came and I followed him back and he chatted up a bunch of people and told me how he banged another chick last night. Then me and him went to the football game. And then I went home and slept.

I talked with my mom about how much I dont fit in with law culture and I'm just doing it until I can gainfully self employ (which realistically may or may not happen).

Theres a girl I met a week ago with my roommate at some church function and I've been thinking about her nonstop since. I do fall in love with girls fairly regularly, this isnt anything new. I will fuck it up with her somehow. I know that sounds like an adolescent cynic speaking, but I can say empirically it will be fucked somehow.

One sociobiologist studied suicide and found its most likely when the individual is single and a drain on his family's resources. That makes sense.

Conversation simulation

2007-09-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

I try to simulate conversation with people I know in front of the mirror. That is, I pretend to approach and say something, then I respond as they might, and etc.

It's hard to do, but I feel if I can't get a good conversation going with myself and the imaginary version of the real-life person I am speaking with then I won't be able to in real life.

My roommate just transferred to the school. I spent last night inside. I went out alone briefly to the local coffee shoppe but got anxious and went back home. My roommate attended some random party and spent the night somewhere.

I notice with social people social encounters do not matter. Casual social relationships and things like that are fleeting and are not thought about deeply.

Anyway, I'm not sure how effective conversation simulation is. I'm not sure if socially capable people would be any better at it than I am. I consider it a successful conversation simulation if I can keep it going for 10-15 minutes with no pauses and with relatively normal conversational topics. I also notice that I tend to say weird shit, shit that would not fly in real social situations. Like I was telling one 'girl' how I've started becoming malicious towards innocent people in law school whereas in my first year I was more naive. Of course that's not really true, but for whatever reason I said it in my fake conversation.

My roommate tells me he often has dreams of killing other people.

I guess the main ideal is really reducing shame. Being ok with feeling the shame and acting anyway. I constantly feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I was not social last night, ashamed that my roommate spent the night out somewhere, ashamed that when I go to this football game I'm probably not going to have much conversation with anybody nor engage socially, ashamed that I look silly in a hat I just bought, ashamed I might see a girl that dumped me at the game last year. My shame levels are high.

Social comparison definitely makes me feel visceral shame. When walking in the presence of a group of attractive male friends I literally feel pain.

Anyway I guess we will go trudge through another day.

Shame

2007-08-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

Social anxiety might just be a facet of a larger 'entity': shame. I know that I personally live a double life. Inside in social situations I am constantly focused on not being shy. It is an internal rage, and it is a painful internal rage as I find myself left behind socially. It is a chess game. Externally I try to follow the prescribed norms of small talk conversation: asking questions, sharing anecdotes. I guess is how it goes.

This journal remains (relatively) anonymous. Nobody including my mother knows I see a therapist for social anxiety. I could never admit this to anybody. I can never admit to my friends I'm shy. I can admit I'm not good at conversation, but not that I am so afraid of myself as to utterly ignore myself.

That is sort of my 'working model' of the mechanics of social anxiety. In 'normal life' there is a part of the brain that generates activity: determining significance of environmental entities, enacting behaviour, determining responses, creating impulses. Humans when uninhibited are impulsive, and in social interaction humans naturally let their social impulses flow into one another with little conscious thought.

The socially anxious person is deeply ashamed of himself and therefore it is much to risky for him to simply let his impulsivity take over. He might reveal aspects of himself that may lead to his ostracization from the group or other sorts of social punishment. The socially anxious person thinks his 'natural' self worthy of and likely to receive social punishment. Therefore he learns over years to ignore and modify his natural impulsivity to the point that he is no longer even aware it exists.

I personally have not been angry ever. When people slight me I feel I deserve it. The earliest memory I have of my father is him slighting me and it hurt, but I accepted I think. Maybe it did get me angry. I think it just made me hurt and self-ashamed.

In any case, this is a theory, but shame is a large component of the socially anxious person's phenomenology.

About Modern Socializing

2007-08-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

The capacity to socialize is of very high, if not fundamental, importance to human beings. By socialize I simply mean loosely "ability to get on with others"; getting what one wants etc. I am a 24 year old male with weak socializing ability, if I progress I am sure my definition of what it means to be social will change. I am plagued by stark social anxiety which I first recall manifesting itself when I was in second grade. The course of my life has been profoundly affected by this affliction. The purpose of this blog is a means of a part of helping myself, and helping others. There are numerous blogs on the internet about social anxiety, but I feel that this one might help sometimes in ways other do not.

I have a theoretical based mind. I constantly posit theories and ideas. I envision this blog of being a collection of real-life social experiences, told as rawly and as accurately as possible, along with theoretical considerations. Like I said, I am a 24 year old male. I am in law school, and in the field of law it is very important to have apt social skills. From interviewing, to pre-interview receptions, to simply hobnobbing with fellow law students and lawyers, social skills will get you where you would like to be or leave you behind at the mercy of chance. Furthermore, I am somewhat painfully alone, and likewise social skills are obvious a key component of finding a woman. My encounters with women in the past year have all ended ugly (to the point of one girl mentioning she had no problems with calling the police if necessary) and this blog will definitely deal with my future experiences with women.

To give a little more background to myself, I went to law school straight out of undergraduate and am currently at the beginning of my second year of law school. As an undergraduate, I basically lived with my high school girlfriend* and then after we broke up I became a hermit. I got a studio apartment and was convinced I was a genius of some sort and simply needed to have the time to create some work that would establish my genius. Of course I accomplished very little in my four years of undergraduate hermitage, other than seriously retarding my social growth. When I say I was a hermit, I mean that very literally. I never left my apartment except to go to class occasionally or to go the grocery store. I probably scared the shit out of anybody I may have encountered in my sporadic outings given my disgusting hygeine and angsty pained attitude.

So this is sort of a 'starting afresh' journal. I do have a year of law school under my belt and some casual friends from that. But I attend law school social functions and just stand there, literally. I have a therapist, and it took almost a year of therapy to get me to be able to do that. I don't talk to anybody because I can never think of anything to say. I want to talk to people but when I do try they walk away. I make them uncomfortable. Then I walk home and cry.

So anyway, I don't think any sort of writing - be it a book or a blog - can really help people with this affliction out. But I think it can point them in the write direction. Overcoming social anxiety truly has to come from within, like anything worthwhile in life, but I think this will be a useful blog.

*I know numerous people reading this page will become skeptical of my 'social anxiety' or social problems after reading I had a girlfriend in high school. At least, I would. All I can say is, it was entirely her. For whatever reason, she dug me, and pursued me, and after months of awkward social outings she won me, and she became my entire life. I did nothing besides her. Breaking up with her destroyed me, and I stalked her through electronic means for many years afterwards. Pathetic, yes. Thus this journal.